British Musicians Promise To Deliver The Same Old Shit.

British recording artists will continue to deliver mind-numbing, prosaic pastiches despite social outburst across the country, it has emerged.

Scenes of uncontrollable rage and violent hostility swept across the streets of Britain this week, prompting a glimmer of hope that perhaps young songwriters and the "voices of our generation" may be inclined to produce music with a message worth taking note of. It has, however, now been confirmed that the vast majority of contemporary recording artists will remain utterly and diabolically shit.

Shit - Omnipresent

 

Blake Hemmingway, Professor of Musical Studies, Cambridge University, commented "there has been rumours circulating in amongst particular circles that bands which are born of a visceral nature and promoting original thinking will emerge from the woodwork. Or that the already high profile acts will take moral high ground and release material which will epitomise a whole generation's hopes and fears. This, of course, is nonsense. Complete balderdash. They have their own self-gratifying, voyeuristic expectations to live up to, and believe you me, they will."

Tarquin Jeremiah III an executive for the world dominating Monopolize Records was eager to comment, after sipping on a double measure of cognac priced at roughly £347 per measure, "Hmm yes, well, this is certainly an interesting predicament indeed. After some strategic backhanders with a handful of London's lower classes, we were able to implement one of most successful missions to date - Operation BurnPIASBurn - furthering our eradication of anything remotely intellectually challenging. It's only a matter of time before we own everything including your your dog, your laptop, your bone structure, your antique china cups and your precious fucking limited edition 7inches.

"If you think you're getting the next Clash or Specials then my word, you are mistaken"

Thomas D, founder of nu-folk bedroom label Pitiful Little Bastard Records has expressed his distress, "I lost all 3 copies of my album in the PIAS warehouse fire. Now I'm sad. I'm going to go and rub my mandolin against my gooch in the hope that I feel better."

Major record labels are working tightly with the press, who's job it is to ensure you remain a witless sack of shit with the reading age of a 5 year old.

There has been a minor breakthrough however, as Reverend and the Makers have released their brand new topical single "RIOT". The Sheffield-based band strongly condemn violence but condone the smoking of high-grade skunk.