Wednesday 31 August 2011

Liam Gallagher Sues Noel Gallagher Over "The Chip Incident"


It has emerged that ex-Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher is suing his brother and former bandmate Noel, over an incident involving Noel stealing the remaining chip on Liam's plate in a terrace house in Burnage, Manchester during the summer of 1978.

Earlier this week, in a press statement, it was confirmed that Liam Gallagher had filed the legal writ against his brother.

Chips: The catalyst which caused so many feuds.
“It’s about time Oasis fans know the truth. I turned my head for two fookin’ seconds and our kid grabs the chip of my plate and shovels it in his gob. I mean, fookin’ hell, I was only 6, and you don’t do that to a 6 year old, ya know what I mean?”

Proceedings took an interesting turn today however, as low-budget gossip magazine, The Sun, published photos of a 10 year-old Noel Gallagher bragging to fellow school mates in the playground about his triumph. Noel Gallagher has refused to comment, but his management has insisted, “It’s all just malicious lies.”

Liam Gallagher continued, “He’s a fookin’ thief, and that is the end of it. All I want is an apology, and a considerably large amount of his income”.

This is not the first time that the ex-Oasis songwriter has been accused of thieving. Noel Gallagher was sued for £500,000 in authorship dispute over Oasis song “Shakermaker”. He was then subsequently ordered to pay royalties for Oasis single “Whatever” as he couldn’t be bothered to think of his own melody for either songs.  

Media analyst Thomas D commented, “Borrowing ideas from various musical influences is no crime, this is how music progresses, but to steal a chip of your brother's plate is preposterous! What an evil man. Would John Lennon be happy about this? I don’t know. Probably.”

The New Musical Express, who once coined Noel Gallagher “The Wisest Man In Rock” have retracted the statement, changing it instead to “Perpetually Hilarious Tea Leaf”.

Wednesday 10 August 2011

British Musicians Promise To Deliver The Same Old Shit.


British recording artists will continue to deliver mind-numbing, prosaic pastiches despite social outburst across the country, it has emerged.

Scenes of uncontrollable rage and violent hostility swept across the streets of Britain this week, prompting a glimmer of hope that perhaps young songwriters and the "voices of our generation" may be inclined to produce music with a message worth taking note of. It has, however, now been confirmed that the vast majority of contemporary recording artists will remain utterly and diabolically shit.
Shit - Omnipresent
 

Blake Hemmingway, Professor of Musical Studies, Cambridge University, commented "there has been rumours circulating in amongst particular circles that bands which are born of a visceral nature and promoting original thinking will emerge from the woodwork. Or that the already high profile acts will take moral high ground and release material which will epitomise a whole generation's hopes and fears. This, of course, is nonsense. Complete balderdash. They have their own self-gratifying, voyeuristic expectations to live up to, and believe you me, they will."

Tarquin Jeremiah III an executive for the world dominating Monopolize Records was eager to comment, after sipping on a double measure of cognac priced at roughly £347 per measure, "Hmm yes, well, this is certainly an interesting predicament indeed. After some strategic backhanders with a handful of London's lower classes, we were able to implement one of most successful missions to date - Operation BurnPIASBurn - furthering our eradication of anything remotely intellectually challenging. It's only a matter of time before we own everything including your your dog, your laptop, your bone structure, your antique china cups and your precious fucking limited edition 7inches.

"If you think you're getting the next Clash or Specials then my word, you are mistaken"

Thomas D, founder of nu-folk bedroom label Pitiful Little Bastard Records has expressed his distress, "I lost all 3 copies of my album in the PIAS warehouse fire. Now I'm sad. I'm going to go and rub my mandolin against my gooch in the hope that I feel better."

Major record labels are working tightly with the press, who's job it is to ensure you remain a witless sack of shit with the reading age of a 5 year old.

There has been a minor breakthrough however, as Reverend and the Makers have released their brand new topical single "RIOT". The Sheffield-based band strongly condemn violence but condone the smoking of high-grade skunk.