Tuesday 19 July 2011

Morrissey Loses 4% Cool Credentials After Admitting He Likes Viva Brother

Morrissey has lost a damaging 4% to his overall cool rating after inviting Slough tit-rockers Viva Brother to support him on his upcoming tour.

The information has been accrued by the National Association of Cool Credentials [NACC] who are responsible for calculating the cool ratings for celebrities, and occasionally normal plebeians, based on tactical manoeuveurs and well-researched formula which analyses all living opinion.

Thomas D, a spokesperson for the NACC commented, “Whilst 4% is not a threatening dent to one’s overall cool rating, it is a considerable damage to happen in one chunk. However, Stephen has a relatively consistent OLC [Output Level Cool], which moves up and down only in very small percentages, generally between 0.5% and 1.0%, usually after his latest interview. So to suddenly drop 4% was a shock to us all.”

The NACC calculate their figures based on demographic research, which collects all living opinion, including plants and animals. This data is cross-referenced after being analysed to understand how an individual’s oeuvre of cool is affected by his or her activities. Releasing an album, for example, puts your OLC in a position where high percentages are at risk, whereas a couple of dodgy collaborations and a pretentious slur on the radio presents a lower risk to the individuals cool rating.

Slough 4-piece Viva Brother have been infecting the ears, minds and souls of several thousand people over the past 6 months, with their tacky parodies and arrogant façade which sadly breathe neither originality nor an attempt to sound remotely reminiscent of how good they claim they are. Instead just a cringeworthy demented nostalgia, which spirals around one strumming pattern they appeared to have landed upon. Many people have suggested that they have spent far too much time worrying about what to say to the press and what 90’s comparison-invoking fashion accessories to adorn, and less time writing any songs worth listening to for more than 30 seconds. Fortunately Geffen Records have important offices and shiny Apple products so they can make their videos look all pretty and sparkly.

Nationally renowned cool guy, and subject of scientific discovery in skin pigmentation, The Pink Panther explained “For the average person, 4% decrease would be equivalent to getting caught clubbing with your parents or farting in a lift for your own amusement only to discover you’ve followed through. But due to Morrissey’s worldwide popularity and concrete history of cool, this potentially could be the equivalent of him getting caught masturbating whilst listening to the sound of his own breath.”

What difference does it make? Well…quite a lot actually.

Pink Panther: Cool Guy

















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