Pop sensation Lady Gaga has shocked audiences during her recent tour by devouring a small child onstage, it has emerged.
The latest move in Gaga’s vacuous line of publicity stunts has left fans and critics bewildered and upset after she presented the child on an altar as part of her onstage set-up. She then attained a knife and fork and began to dine on the child, stopping neither for breath nor a refreshing beverage. A source has said, “The child was not seasoned or marinated. Lady G refused a honey and ginger glaze and declined an offer of English mustard. She was content with the child cooked rare, with no added condiments. She was advised that a pan-fried child reaches optimum eating pleasure when served medium rare with a peppercorn sauce, but the Lady had spoken”
It seemed a dress made of entirely of meat, raising through a coffin and a prosthetic pregnancy lump were not sufficient to sell the units that record company bosses were demanding. Blake Hemmingway, a spokesperson for Interscope Records commented, “What with all the young kids downloading music off the Internet for free, it has become increasingly difficult to shift records. Barbaric publicity stunts are all we have left. The kids are to blame, what can I say?”
Lady Gaga was asked to comment but offered simply “It’s what Jesus would have wanted”.
The SCET (Small-Child Eating Trust) has complained that amidst public and media outcry, the seriousness of child dining has been damaged. A spokesperson has said, “Eating small children is a very serious and spiritual process, that involves weeks of preparation and organisation, it is in no way outrageous or controversial. We have been involved in this practice for centuries, to think Lady Gaga strolls out on stage, demolishes a dry, unseasoned and horrifically under-cooked child, and everyone goes ape shit. Fucking despicable”
That’s right, you heard…Fucking despicable.
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| Illegal downloading: Cause of Cannibalism Image: Gregory Szarkieqicz |
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