Gary Barlow to bring Bitches, Bling and Class A drugs to the X Factor

In an audacious attempt to introduce some "credibility" to the Saturday night suicide-provoking parade of desperate low-life tools, the Take That frontman hopes to bring forward gold-carrot necklaces, vaginas on plates and a heightened focus on the art of sniffing cocaine off of supermodels' tits.

The news came after a report that Gary Barlow was "shocked and appalled" over the sexualised performances, which caused so much controversy amongst 12 Daily Mail readers.

Barlow, speaking to low-budget gossip magazine, The Sun, "When I was watching - and I have a 10 and a 8 year old watching it - the Christina Aguilera stuff was just too much for me", re-affirming Britain’s ubiquitous fear of the female thigh, present amongst all males over the age of 40.

However, Barlow’s concerns took a U-Turn when his 10 year-old son, Gaz Baz Jr. accurately pointed out, “This shit is nothing compared to 2 Girls 1 Cup”, insisting “Dad, this is shy man’s porn next to some of the filth I’ve seen on the internet. In fact, I was quite surprised Rihanna’s performance didn’t culminate with three ambiguous, grunting, Neanderthal-like creatures violating every hole on her body. Nostrils an’ everythin’.”

It's there if you need it.
Just do what you've got to do.....

Speaking to Melody Moaner, Gary Barlow has explained how now, in light of his son’s acute observations, he plans to eradicate the “stark realism” that has become the focus of the show, with the subtle introduction of more gangsta rap. Barlow said, “Gaz Baz Jr. is right. We need to use more “street” methods to the kidz, because the kidz have access to much more interesting things on the internet.”

To start with, all the personal tragedy sob stories will now be exclusively accompanied by excplicit versions of N.W.A and Wu-Tang Clan songs, regardless of how insensitive it seems. Then soon enough we’ll have bitches all over the judges table, pampering us with whatever we might well need. Cigars, juicy blunts, gin and juice, crack, smack. You name it, these bitches gonna bring it.”

Long term X-Factor antagonist Blake Hemmingway, expressed his delight at the focus change, saying “Izzzzz it. As ifffffff. Shit is gonna be LIVE now da Garry B is bringing those bitches, that bling and that CRE-DI-BI-LA-TEEEEEE!”

Patrick McDonnell, a pensive author from Northern Ireland who has read over 10,000 crime fiction novels, received the news earlier today and proceeded to crawl into a ball in the corner of his study, before sobbing quietly and repeatedly beating himself over the head with a hammer until he was pissing blood and had lost the ability to see and hear.

Liam Gallagher Sues Noel Gallagher Over "The Chip Incident"

It has emerged that ex-Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher is suing his brother and former bandmate Noel, over an incident involving Noel stealing the remaining chip on Liam's plate in a terrace house in Burnage, Manchester during the summer of 1978.

Earlier this week, in a press statement, it was confirmed that Liam Gallagher had filed the legal writ against his brother.

Chips: The catalyst which caused so many feuds.

“It’s about time Oasis fans know the truth. I turned my head for two fookin’ seconds and our kid grabs the chip of my plate and shovels it in his gob. I mean, fookin’ hell, I was only 6, and you don’t do that to a 6 year old, ya know what I mean?”

Proceedings took an interesting turn today however, as low-budget gossip magazine, The Sun, published photos of a 10 year-old Noel Gallagher bragging to fellow school mates in the playground about his triumph. Noel Gallagher has refused to comment, but his management has insisted, “It’s all just malicious lies.”

Liam Gallagher continued, “He’s a fookin’ thief, and that is the end of it. All I want is an apology, and a considerably large amount of his income”.

This is not the first time that the ex-Oasis songwriter has been accused of thieving. Noel Gallagher was sued for £500,000 in authorship dispute over Oasis song “Shakermaker”. He was then subsequently ordered to pay royalties for Oasis single “Whatever” as he couldn’t be bothered to think of his own melody for either songs.  

Media analyst Thomas D commented, “Borrowing ideas from various musical influences is no crime, this is how music progresses, but to steal a chip of your brother's plate is preposterous! What an evil man. Would John Lennon be happy about this? I don’t know. Probably.”

The New Musical Express, who once coined Noel Gallagher “The Wisest Man In Rock” have retracted the statement, changing it instead to “Perpetually Hilarious Tea Leaf”.

British Musicians Promise To Deliver The Same Old Shit.

British recording artists will continue to deliver mind-numbing, prosaic pastiches despite social outburst across the country, it has emerged.

Scenes of uncontrollable rage and violent hostility swept across the streets of Britain this week, prompting a glimmer of hope that perhaps young songwriters and the "voices of our generation" may be inclined to produce music with a message worth taking note of. It has, however, now been confirmed that the vast majority of contemporary recording artists will remain utterly and diabolically shit.

Shit - Omnipresent

 

Blake Hemmingway, Professor of Musical Studies, Cambridge University, commented "there has been rumours circulating in amongst particular circles that bands which are born of a visceral nature and promoting original thinking will emerge from the woodwork. Or that the already high profile acts will take moral high ground and release material which will epitomise a whole generation's hopes and fears. This, of course, is nonsense. Complete balderdash. They have their own self-gratifying, voyeuristic expectations to live up to, and believe you me, they will."

Tarquin Jeremiah III an executive for the world dominating Monopolize Records was eager to comment, after sipping on a double measure of cognac priced at roughly £347 per measure, "Hmm yes, well, this is certainly an interesting predicament indeed. After some strategic backhanders with a handful of London's lower classes, we were able to implement one of most successful missions to date - Operation BurnPIASBurn - furthering our eradication of anything remotely intellectually challenging. It's only a matter of time before we own everything including your your dog, your laptop, your bone structure, your antique china cups and your precious fucking limited edition 7inches.

"If you think you're getting the next Clash or Specials then my word, you are mistaken"

Thomas D, founder of nu-folk bedroom label Pitiful Little Bastard Records has expressed his distress, "I lost all 3 copies of my album in the PIAS warehouse fire. Now I'm sad. I'm going to go and rub my mandolin against my gooch in the hope that I feel better."

Major record labels are working tightly with the press, who's job it is to ensure you remain a witless sack of shit with the reading age of a 5 year old.

There has been a minor breakthrough however, as Reverend and the Makers have released their brand new topical single "RIOT". The Sheffield-based band strongly condemn violence but condone the smoking of high-grade skunk. 

Popular Music Stars Encourage Fundamental Laws of Physics

It emerged this morning that a long line of supposed “musicians” were backing the campaign to ensure the yoof of today are cooperating with elementary components of science.

X-Factor reject Cher Lloyd, who is actually a fictional character created using CGI and controlled by high-tech artificial intelligence computers which are set solely to think deluded and moronic thoughts, has urged her fans to “Get on the floor, get, get, get on the floor”. Some other gormless, soul-destroying popular acts insisted “Put your drinks up” before swiftly reminding listeners to “Put your drinks up”, whilst Ray J went as far as to say “Just throw your drinks in the air” which linguistic experts have dismissed as careless and irresponsible, and frankly not cost effective and punters may struggle to “Party like you really don’t care” after throwing an over-priced beverage in a distinctly upward motion, thus remaining pretty sober.

A rebellious floor-dwelling drink

Regular clubber Dinksy Boi, who has experienced an epiphany as a result of these strict instructions commented, “I was down the local piss-ridden nightclub in the dead-end suicide inducing town in which I live, doing my normal thing you know – out with the lads suspending ourselves in mid-air whilst our hands and drinks remained firmly on the floor – next thing that happens is the DJ drops a tune by Tinie Tempura Batter or something like that, and I thought “I’m doing this all wrong!” and needless to say, quality of experience has improved two-fold”. Dinksy has taken on board some more of Tinie’s impartial advice and has spent many an evening unconscious on the floor.

Natural scientific phenomenon Gravity contended, “Hey man, I just do my thing, and it’s a thing you can’t really fuck with. I apologise for any inconvenience. Thank you and good day.”

Shit-lyrics analyst Thomas D said, “Well it ain’t exactly John Yeats is it? Let the bastards get on with it, they’ll all be on the dole in a few years”

Melody Moaner recommends boycotting these artists for fear of populating your minds by drawing misleading metaphorical parallels between partying and the general theory of relativity.

Gravity: A reasonable bloke just doing his thing

Lady Gaga Eats Small Child During Recent Live Show

Pop sensation Lady Gaga has shocked audiences during her recent tour by devouring a small child onstage, it has emerged.

The latest move in Gaga’s vacuous line of publicity stunts has left fans and critics bewildered and upset after she presented the child on an altar as part of her onstage set-up. She then attained a knife and fork and began to dine on the child, stopping neither for breath nor a refreshing beverage. A source has said, “The child was not seasoned or marinated. Lady G refused a honey and ginger glaze and declined an offer of English mustard. She was content with the child cooked rare, with no added condiments. She was advised that a pan-fried child reaches optimum eating pleasure when served medium rare with a peppercorn sauce, but the Lady had spoken”

It seemed a dress made of entirely of meat, raising through a coffin and a prosthetic pregnancy lump were not sufficient to sell the units that record company bosses were demanding. Blake Hemmingway, a spokesperson for Interscope Records commented, “What with all the young kids downloading music off the Internet for free, it has become increasingly difficult to shift records. Barbaric publicity stunts are all we have left. The kids are to blame, what can I say?”

Lady Gaga was asked to comment but offered simply “It’s what Jesus would have wanted”.

The SCET (Small-Child Eating Trust) has complained that amidst public and media outcry, the seriousness of child dining has been damaged. A spokesperson has said, “Eating small children is a very serious and spiritual process, that involves weeks of preparation and organisation, it is in no way outrageous or controversial. We have been involved in this practice for centuries, to think Lady Gaga strolls out on stage, demolishes a dry, unseasoned and horrifically under-cooked child, and everyone goes ape shit. Fucking despicable”

That’s right, you heard…Fucking despicable.

Illegal downloading: Cause of Cannibalism
Image: Gregory Szarkieqicz

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Morrissey Loses 4% Cool Credentials After Admitting He Likes Viva Brother

Morrissey has lost a damaging 4% to his overall cool rating after inviting Slough tit-rockers Viva Brother to support him on his upcoming tour.

The information has been accrued by the National Association of Cool Credentials [NACC] who are responsible for calculating the cool ratings for celebrities, and occasionally normal plebeians, based on tactical manoeuveurs and well-researched formula which analyses all living opinion.

Thomas D, a spokesperson for the NACC commented, “Whilst 4% is not a threatening dent to one’s overall cool rating, it is a considerable damage to happen in one chunk. However, Stephen has a relatively consistent OLC [Output Level Cool], which moves up and down only in very small percentages, generally between 0.5% and 1.0%, usually after his latest interview. So to suddenly drop 4% was a shock to us all.”

The NACC calculate their figures based on demographic research, which collects all living opinion, including plants and animals. This data is cross-referenced after being analysed to understand how an individual’s oeuvre of cool is affected by his or her activities. Releasing an album, for example, puts your OLC in a position where high percentages are at risk, whereas a couple of dodgy collaborations and a pretentious slur on the radio presents a lower risk to the individuals cool rating.

Slough 4-piece Viva Brother have been infecting the ears, minds and souls of several thousand people over the past 6 months, with their tacky parodies and arrogant façade which sadly breathe neither originality nor an attempt to sound remotely reminiscent of how good they claim they are. Instead just a cringeworthy demented nostalgia, which spirals around one strumming pattern they appeared to have landed upon. Many people have suggested that they have spent far too much time worrying about what to say to the press and what 90’s comparison-invoking fashion accessories to adorn, and less time writing any songs worth listening to for more than 30 seconds. Fortunately Geffen Records have important offices and shiny Apple products so they can make their videos look all pretty and sparkly.

Nationally renowned cool guy, and subject of scientific discovery in skin pigmentation, The Pink Panther explained “For the average person, 4% decrease would be equivalent to getting caught clubbing with your parents or farting in a lift for your own amusement only to discover you’ve followed through. But due to Morrissey’s worldwide popularity and concrete history of cool, this potentially could be the equivalent of him getting caught masturbating whilst listening to the sound of his own breath.”

What difference does it make? Well…quite a lot actually.

Pink Panther: Cool Guy